Okay. Maybe a little format, this time.
I posted something, earlier today, that sort of hit one of those buttons in my head. In the post on Galvanic Team, Why Is It Always A Girl? | I’m Curious!, I made a passing remark about my apathy as it pertains to the things stories want me to feel. Now, I’ve had no breakthroughs on that front. But I had a talk with my dad, last weekend, where I kind of brought it up. He said that, as far as characters dying, he also tends not to care. But I’m not sure it’s exactly the same thing, with me. Or maybe it is.
Ever since I started doing the anime commentary thing – heck, since I started doing the commentary thing, in general, death has bothered me. But never for the reasons it “should.” The only time I ever get upset at a character dying is if it’s just something I perceive as poorly handled. Using death as a shock tactic, for example, is a trope I absolutely cannot stand. And that comes down to what I think is both a hyperdeveloped sense of… I’m gonna say empathy and a highly trained writer sense (heh).
On the one hand, I don’t have a switch that lets me treat characters as “lesser.” For me, no matter how important they are, all characters are equal. Which is why I tend to have a problem when even the most insignificant of characters is used as a sacrificial lamb in a ploy to get me to feel sad or understand that a villain is evil. These things don’t work. All it does is trigger my writer sensibilities which turns into a situation of “you are so creatively bankrupt that you couldn’t figure a way to do that without resort to the absolute cheapest tactic you possibly could?”
The only other thing I’ll ever feel about a character’s death is the mild disappointment of “aw, I’m not gonna get to see them do cool stuff anymore.” That’s it. That’s as much as I ever feel, provided their death didn’t just annoy me. And it’s not just death, mind you. Almost about any time a series wants me to feel some negative emotion, it’s just… not there. Or, even if it is there, it’s not very strong.
And it’s honestly a thing that’s eaten away at me, pretty much since the launch of the main site. I see people getting all emotional over the deaths of their favorite characters and I just… don’t have that. It makes me feel like something’s just wrong with me. It even extends to real life. I’ve had to attend a few funerals in my life, thus far, and of the ones I can recall… I wasn’t especially emotional at those either. And given who those deaths were, I feel like I should’ve been. But I wasn’t. And I’m still not. Why do I just not feel these things? It genuinely bothers me.
Side note, but does anyone else get that looming sense of anxiety around making a new post, as if you were just starting out? I have this perpetual worry every time I do a post that it’s just not “good enough.” As I’ve said, I’m not really good at metrics and stuff. And I don’t really get many engagements on much of anything, so I never really know if a post is actually worthy of anyone’s time or I’m just kinda spinning my wheels. I know the whole schtick of “write what you’d want to read,” but other people write the things I’d want to read so infinitely better than me and so much more consistently than I’m able to. It doesn’t strike me as especially helpful advice. What would I have to add? My perspective hardly seems all that unique. I dunno. Maybe I’d have to just be someone else to see it.
The rest of my day was pretty nice. Got a lot of work done. More progress made on the outline of PROJECT ACADEMIA, for one. But also got a lot of good work in on Burning Sky. Even took a break and decided to make a dent in this building mass of unplayed games. Started with Shantae: Half-Genie Hero on Switch. I just love the style of those games. Finally actually downloaded Fire Emblem: Three Houses and Breath of the Wild. Think I’ll actually get a pro controller at work tomorrow so I don’t have to use the joy-cons all the time.
And that was my day, basically. Personal projects, videogames, and anime all serve as nice distractions for when my head goes to places like where it was, earlier in the day. Tomorrow’s gonna be the real bear. Back to my “actual” job. Just gotta make sure to go in and stay cool. Not let anything get in my head. Not stress over stuff that’s not important.