Thoughts. Nagging Thoughts. (12/30/2019)

Hey, I haven’t done a proper journal entry in a while.

I’m okay. For the most part. But I can already feel it starting to happen again. The thoughts. Pulling at me. Nagging at me. Dancing around in the back of my mind. Telling me things I don’t want to hear. Making me sensitive to everything I do. I hate it. I hate it so much.

I’m fully aware that it’s not like it ever actually “goes away.” I’m always… editing. Myself, that is. I’m meticulous. In any conversation I’m constantly pausing. Thinking. Loading. Trying to say the optimal thing. And all that does is make the thoughts worse. “Are they getting impatient with me? Should I just say something? What if I say the wrong thing? Will they be disappointed if I just tell them I need more time to process? It’s not like they said anything super complicated. Maybe they’ll just think I’m stupid.” Ironically, all it does is distract me from the thing I’m supposed to be thinking about.

All I want is to be understood. Not on the deeper personal level. That’d be nice too, I guess. But I mean literally. I only want to be able to articulate myself in such a way that there’s absolutely no confusion. There’s no room to misinterpret what I’m saying. That’s why I didn’t really want to make that SAO post. Because I was (rightly) afraid I wasn’t getting the idea across well enough. Thankfully, I was able to better explain myself in the comments in a brief back-and-forth with Tiger, which was nice. But it still stings that that post went public without my making it perfectly clear what my issue really was. In a way I think I kind of get where Rizu in We Never Learn is coming from. Sure, my issue is the opposite – a desire to be understood, rather than a desire to understand others. But I can’t pretend I don’t like that about writing. The ease with which I’m able to make people understand me through sheer command of language that I have the time to think about.

Obviously it’s an impossible task. There are always going to be misunderstandings and such. And my counselor and I had this talk, last time we spoke. About how it really doesn’t always have to be up to me and sometimes it’s okay to let the onus be on the person I’m speaking with to figure me out. But I just can’t help thinking about it. People have been taking me out of context and misrepresenting things I’ve said since I was a kid. It only makes sense that I develop a habit of being overly careful.

And that’s just my being slow. I haven’t even bothered mentioning the thoughts after I’ve actually managed to say something. “Was that right? Did that give them the answer they wanted? Was that funny? They kinda laughed, but maybe they were just being polite. I hope that didn’t come off as rude. Maybe they think I’m annoying, now. Why did I say that?”

Even if I’m alone, it’s nothing but going back over old conversations, over and over. “How could I have said that differently? How could I have responded to that remark? Why did I say that?” Over and over. It’s just a loop. I can’t stand being left alone to nothing but my thoughts.

I hate it.

I HATE IT.

Thoughts are monsters. They’re teeny, tiny, invisible little devils that pick at you and pick at you until they wear you down completely. Then they find just the right neuron to fire off and… snap.

I get by on just… distracting myself, for the most part. With videogames. With anime. With my work. At least then I can plug-in and just throw all of my mental faculties in another direction. As much as I do what I do because I find it fun, sometimes I decide to work just so I don’t have to think about anything else.

I’ve been told things I can do and say in conversations, of course. By my counselor. By my parents. But… let’s get real. If my mind is that preoccupied, I’m not going to remember to apply any of that stuff, in the moment. Naturally, I always remember later and kick myself. But whatever.

Despite all of this, I’m fine, right this minute. I just feel it building again and figured maybe this would help me get it out of my system before it became a problem. The last two days have been pretty all right. I dare even call them “good.” If nothing else, they were productive.

Yesterday was a good one for our writing team. We got a lot done. We posted our watchlist for the Winter 2020 anime season and the new rules for the new Anime TKO: Battle Royale edition. Also got the last of our seasonal reviews up for the Fall. I may get back to regular season reviews eventually, but I definitely burned myself out on them so after the TKO (I don’t count them as seasonal reviews) I may come back to it in Spring. But that also depends on how busy I am with Burning Sky and (potentially) PROJECT ACADEMIA. Today was pretty productive too. I’m still working, as of writing this (I actually started it as soon as I woke up, this morning, and am just finishing these last few paragraphs because I became occupied). But I got some stuff done in regards to my word count on a few things and had some good team meeting sessions where we worked out a lot of stuff. Overall, today felt pretty good.

So yeah. That’s how I’m doing.

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